I received a text message earlier - "Hey big boy, fancy me sucking your cock tonight?" Straight away I texted back "Go fuck yourself and delete this number." Moments later I got another text - "It's your wife silly, lol. Did you not recognise my new number? x" "Yes" I replied.
I've just written an app that let's you know which of your friends are stupid, illiterate idiots. it's not selling too well though, Facebook pretty much have it covered already.
In the Beyonce song called "If I were a boy" she sings..... "If I were a boy I think I could understand, How it feels to love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man. I'd listen to her, 'Cause I know how it hurts, When you lose the one you wanted, 'Cause he's taking you for granted And everything you had got destroyed...." Whereas If I were a girl even just for one day, I'd stay at home and play with my tits and fanny.
"Leave your teenage slut of a girlfriend, or I promise I'll kill myself!" my wife said. "You'd have been a shit hostage negotiator." I told her.
One of my colleagues suggested that we turn all the clocks ten minutes fast, giving the illusion that we finish work early. The boss said, "Not on my fecking watch!"
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Lidl.
I saw a butch woman with short hair and tattoos trying to load a huge box into her car today. As I walked past she smiled at me and said, "You look like a strong man." "So do you." I replied.
The iPhone 5 is so advanced it can already receive texts from the iPhone 6, telling it how old and crap it is.
The wife & I were sitting relaxed, having a chat when I accidently shit myself. I'd hoped she wouldn't notice, but then it floated to the top of the bath....
In this global, digital age Michael Gove wants to go back to old fashioned teaching. At least the kids will be able to read a good book whilst they are on the dole.
