"Don't buy coal from their 50 metre shaft! Get it from our 100 metre shaft!" said the sign across the street. "Oh great", I thought, "they're undermining me".
2 women are talking, one says to her mate, "does your twat itch after sex?" " No" her mate replies "he just farts, rolls over and falls asleep."
my wife has just started reading "Fifty shades of Grey" and now I get sex every night. She is so engrossed in it she hasn't realised I've started fucking her sister.
My mate had a tattoo of a £50 note done on his willy yesterday. When he returned home his wife asked him why. He replied, "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters..... do they just give you a bra and say... "Here, fill this out" ?????
My wife wanted a boob job for her birthday. Turns out an interview at Hooters wasn't what she had in mind.....
Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice. Whether they be a Christian a Jew or a terrorist.
Retro. (Adjective) Something just sufficiently old enough that you had forgotten how shit it was the first time around.
I went to the doctor earlier. He advised me to lose a lot of weight. So took the wife shopping. Then ran off when she wasn't looking.
My colleague I saw his ex-wife broken down with two flat tyres this morning which made him late for work.. Nine times he drove past before she noticed him laughing at her.
A 'Janus' kitten with two faces has been born in Oregon, USA. Vets described the phenomenon as 'extremely rare'. Not that rare. In my experience, most pussy is two-faced.
There was a knock at my door last night, "Hello Sir, can I ask you if you will be voting for us in the forthcoming election." "Yes" "OK sir thank you." "What for?" "Your vote." "I am not voting for you" "But you said you were" "No I didn't" "There seems to be a misunderstanding here" "It's shit when you are being given bullshit and made to believe something else isn't it. Welcome to the voters view of politics, now fuck off."
