My new girlfriend just asked me if I have ever fucked a fat bird. After thinking for a moment I said, "Nope, I'm pretty sure you're the first."
Just seen an elderly lady fall over in the high street. My wife immediately looked at me and said, "Don't just stand there, go and see if she needs any help." So I quickly ran across the road and said, "Do you need any help?" "Yes please, dear." she replied. Then I ran back. "She said yes."
Think the worst time of my life was when I worked as a cinema usher. I was in a very dark place back then.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken
Daddy's Call Home **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**> **Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ...........** **Is this 486-5731?'
I saw a dwarf today wearing a fez, saying, "Just like that," as he got into his car. I think it was a Mini Cooper.
Two female radio presenters claim that they were groped on air by Dave Lee Travis. One was asked, "Were you grabbed by the Hairy Cornflake?" "No, the tits." She replied.
A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO !!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and humped skinny long-legged big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted. The End.
After a long, awkward silence, my mother-in-law said, "You really hate me, don't you?" "Hate is a strong word," I replied. "So you can tolerate me," she said with a smile. "Oh no, I fucking detest you," I said. "I was just complimenting you on your choice of word."
I've just read an article about siamese twins who travel to England from the USA once a year, so the other one can have a go at driving.
A recent scientific experiment has found that women can change the taste of their fanny batter at will just by what their diet is. They can change it to taste like strawberries and cream, vanilla and peaches. . .etc But they leave it tasting like piss and sweat because they're bastards.
I don't think I'm ever going to meet anyone on Match.com. No one seems to like short walks along the beach.
All this uproar over a picture of the queen being defaced. Once Kate's queen I will be defacing her image every fucking day.. Sometimes twice.
