I was at my local the other night and Steve, behind the bar, said to me: "Do you always drink Whisky neat?" I said "No, sometimes I let my shirt hang out."
News: Woman interrupts finale of "Britain's Got Talent" to throw eggs at Simon Cowell. And wins "Britain's Got Talent."
I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day. "What's for dinner?" He barked. "Chicken at 1 o'clock." Said the nurse. So he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite.
What a two-faced bastard that Jimmy Saville was. Look how many years he spent advertising British Rail, when all the time he was riding Virgins!
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. So we took his bike off him. Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day. So we gave him his bike back. Because his bark was worse than his bike.
I went to the doctor because I was depressed over finishing crosswords too quickly He told me not to get 2 down
My penis is like a garden hose. I'm not referring to its length or girth. There just seems to be a permanent ban on me using it.
Im watching the Confederations Cup on TV. Ironically its not the only time I have seen a Jap's eye and a Brazillian on the same screen
The autocorrect on my phone is a piece of shit. I just accidentally texted my grandma saying "Fancy some sex tomorrow?" I meant Today.
I saw that advert where Pele advises men to get help if they suffer from impotence. The world's in a hell of a state if even fucking Pele can't score nowadays.
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the arsehole in front of you.
It's about time Great Britain invented a new sport again. So we can be world champions until a 2nd country gets wind of it.
My mum had to play the part of both parents when me and my sister were growing up. We know it's her under the moustache and wig, but we never say anything.
As we arrived at our hotel and started unpacking, I said to my wife: "Why is your suitcase full of gloves?" She said, "You told me it was hand luggage only."
