999 call: call center: hi whats your emergency? Man : quick there are 2 girls fighting over me call center: whats the problem then ? Man: The fat 1 is winning!
TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"? ­­­­Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 3. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 4. The sofa is not a ”face towel.” 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello." 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after. 10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt on the carpet. 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch. 12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.
Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa.
[TABLE="width: 751"] [TR] [TD="width: 751, bgcolor: #ffe1c4, colspan: 2"][h=2]How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?[/h][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD="width: 751, colspan: 2"]GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! ROTTWEILER: Make me. LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. POODLE: I'll get to it when I've finished my hair and my nails are dry. COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
[SIZE=-1] [/SIZE] [TABLE="align: right"] [TR] [TD="width: 330, align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said: - I forgot my teeth. The man said: - No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. - Try these - he said. The speaker tried them. - Too loose - he said. The man then said: - I have another pair...try these. The speaker tried them and responded: - Too tight. The man was not taken back at all. He then said: - I have one more pair of false teeth...try them. The speaker said: - They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. - I can't thank you enough, is your practice local? - I've been looking for a good dentist. The man whispered back: - I'm not a dentist, I'm an undertaker.
[TABLE="class: tborder, width: 100%, align: center"] [TR] [TD="class: alt1, bgcolor: #ECEFF4"]A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old chap'. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse' [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
THE VICARS CHICKEN The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before church, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood up. “No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?” All the women stood up. “No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?” Half the women stood up ! “No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?” Sixteen altar boys, two vergers and a goat stood up.
Great news for these financially challenging times. I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously I can`t afford her, but I thought you might like a cheap night out.
My mate recons he always cries after sex. I called him a big girls blouse. Then I remembered, he is in prison.
Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the Local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
Custody of the Children A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
I've just been out to get something to fix a water hose in the garden. The bloke in the shop gave me a DVD and said its the best he can do. After 5 minutes of watching boats cruising down the Thames, seeing the Queen getting soaked in the rain and seeing Tom Jones and Cliff Richard entertaining flag waving crowds I realised I should have been more specific,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, when I asked for some Jubilee clips.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
