I asked my wife if she wanted to try something from the Kama Sutra tonight. She said, "Great, I'll have a chicken tikka masala."
I asked my wife if I could film us having sex to post on HousewifeSex.com "You fucking pervert!" she shouted "What makes you think I would do that?" "Well," I said. "You didn't complain about HiddenCameraSex.com".
So there was a disaster at The X factor final after a technical problem with the microphones. They were working......
Had a great meal in a Korean restaurant the other day. I went for the meatballs and I'll tell you what, they were the dogs bollocks.
Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer certainly lives up to its name. I drank 12 bottles of it last night and walked out of the pub sideways.
Charles Saatchi has insisted that when he held his wife Nigella Lawson by the throat, he was simply "emphasising a point". Having accepted an official caution, the police then threw him down three flights of stairs, also to emphasise the point.
That Sarah Wright from down the road from me won't shag me just because I've fucked a Chinese bird! I can't do Wright for doing Wong!
Wait!!............. What!!!???? MILF doesn't stand for 'Mum I'll Love Forever'? I really hope my mum hasn't opened her card yet..
I've just had a text from a friend in Australia. He said that he'd told his cat he was going to teach him to speak English. The cat apparently replied "Me? How?"
Had a beer last night and on the label it said "Best Drunk Before January 31, 2014". Finally someone has recognised my talent.
My wife told me to buy her something that made her look sexy. She didn't look too impressed when I came home with two crates of beer.....
Just finished booking a band for the Dignitas annual disco. The Wannadies should be a hit with the patients.
The manager of the crematorium was staring at us. "Someone's going to have to pay for that furnace." "Don't look at me. I blame him!" I said, pointing at the funeral director. "He said we could put something in the coffin that Dad would have liked to take with him." Mr Saxton stared back at me, shaking his head. "A box of fireworks for fucks sake?"
if you marry the right woman,you are complete. if you marry the wrong woman,you are finished. & if the right woman catches you with the wrong woman.............you are completely finished!
