A man goes into a bar around opening time, the barman is still setting up so he takes a seat at the bar. As he is waiting to be served a bowl of peanuts on the bar says, "You look nice today mate, smell good to. Like your T-shirt." Startled the guy looks around and sees nobody else in the room, he gets up and decides to go for a smoke, he goes over to the cigarette machine to buy some fags when the machine says, "What do you want you fucking ugly cunt, go fuck your mother!" Now the bloke really thinks he's going mad, when the barman appears and says, "oh, don't worry mate, the peanuts are complimentary and the fag machines out of order."
The dick head bloke next door says his motorbike is more powerful than mine and that he would easily beat me in a race. He's all torque.
I have just filed a complaint to Trading Standards about my being racially discriminated. I tried to enter the Indigenous Canadian Lottery but they refused because of my colour. Apparently you have to be Inuit to win it.
I dozed off at a local residents meeting whilst our useless MP was droning on. She rounded on me in front of everyone & demanded, "Must you sleep whilst I am talking?" I replied, "No, I'm doing it entirely by choice...!"
Mafia boss Tony Soprano has died of a sudden heart attack. I was just about to refuse an offer he made me as well.
Our science teacher told us that he'd always dreamed of being in space when he was younger. "I thought Earth was in space?" I said.
James Gandolfini, the actor who played mafia godfather Tony Soprano, has died. "I'm gutted," said Frodo Baggins
Katie Price was on Daybreak today discussing her latest pregnancy "I've just had lots of problems with being anaemic, low platelets, I'm a lot heavier than I was before, but it's the fourth one so I know what to expect." "And whats that?" asked interviewer Lorraine Kelly "I've got a hammock across my fanny to stop this one from just falling out."
I don't know why the wife got so upset when she came home to find a hooker sucking my cock. I mean, I didn't complain yesterday, when she paid someone to put new shelves up after I told her I didn't want to.
It's a good job Stephen Hawking is rich. Imagine trying to get one of those wheelchairs on the NHS ? He'd end up with a shopping trolley and an etch-a-sketch.
You never see Superman and Clark Kent in the same room at the same time You never see Spiderman and Peter Parker in the same room at the same time. Has anyone ever been in a room with David Cameron and a bucket of shit?
David Cameron should be nominated to recieve a nobel prize for his commitment to recycling. Recycling the same fecking lies since 2010....
First class stamps are becoming so expensive. Soon, buying one will get you dinner with David Cameron...
I only just heard it and thought it was funny so I thought I should post it.... Just got an invitation to become a sperm donor by post.........told me to come in a jiffy..... AL
What did Elton John sing to David Furnish's parents when he met them for the first time? "Please let your son go down on me"
