My sex life has been pretty dull now for at least six months. The brightness button on my laptop is broken.
[TABLE] [TR] [TD]What do you call a fat girl who's friend you want to fuck? A Taxi. [/TD] [TD="width: 95, align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
My wife was depressed because she turned 40, so I decided to help her out by setting the table before supper. "I'm a 40 year old fatso." She sighed. "That's ridiculous, I won't stand for such silliness" I exclaimed "Now here's your napkin, plate, knife and I'll be right back with your shovel."
A man lies on the examination couch in a doctor's office in Glasgow. "Comfy?" asks the doctor. "Govan", the man replies.
My stupid girlfriend thinks I might be dyslexic, just because I sometimes mix up my felt with my right. What a morno!
I was queing outside a cinema in Glasgow and asked the bloke behind me what he was going to see. "Rocky." He replied. "Is that Stallone?" I asked. "Of course it is." He replied. "Its only been out 2 days."
When women leave my house in the morning they never do the walk of shame. They do the waddle of satisfaction.
Going to visit the Dragons Den today to ask for some money. The wife reckons I shouldn't call her mum that though or she wont lend us the cash.
When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.
Q. How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Just one, but she has to change it 30 times before deciding which one makes her look least fat.
I've just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison. It's for those who enjoy a spot of light reading.
The lads at work were teasing me at work today saying I was gay. "I'm not gay," I told them, "I was in a club last night grinding up some bird in a tight little black dress!" "Really! What did she say?" asked one of the guys. She said, "Why are you wearing a little black dress?"
Injury Lawyers 4U are rubbish. When our neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take a picture of her gash and email it to them. Fecking guess who is in court on Monday???
Q. What's the difference between Jeremy Forrest and Nick Clegg? A. Jeremy Forrest takes his students to Paris before he f*cks them.
In the sleepy village of Hisbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a man called Joshua Lykes. He is the Landlord of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, he gets embarrased when ever he receives his post: Joshua Lykes, The Cockwell Inn, Hisbum, Tillet, Herts.
