My South African ex-girlfriend said, "I'm leaving you because you taught my son to wink." She also said, "And I'm never coming bick."
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £3000 a month in living expenses.
Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
"I'm not racist," I said to my mate, "but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "...but that's not racist," he said. "Exactly," I replied, "I said I wasn't racist."
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go fecking mental when she gets home from work.
The bloke sat at the bar next to me was grinning ear to ear, "what are you so happy about?" I asked. "i just slept with the girl next door." he said proudly. "well done , i hope you were wearing something." "yep." he replied. "a balaclava"
Sitting round the hotel pool I said to my wife, "Fancy a game of Fat or Pregnant?" "What do you have to do?" she asked. "You guess if women are pregnant or just fat." I explained. "You start then." she said. "OK." I said. "Fat. Fat. Fat." "This game?," she asked, "are you allowed to just keep pointing at me?"
Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!
In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park. In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.
My wife just found out she was adopted. She was devastated. Why didn't they want me? I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears. On reflection banging her up the arse & shouting WHO'S YOUR DADDY? was a little insensitive...
My wife and I are trying for a baby. The Mother in Law has said she'll help out. Just till I get hard
My ex-wife told me that the only way that I'd be able to see my kids in future is if she was allowed to throw desserts at me. Needless to say, I got custardy.
