My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping. "Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked "Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch. "Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?" "I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."
My wife called me from her work today, and asked "Can you pick me up? And bring some clean pants, I've had a little accident." It turned out the clean pants were for me, because I shit myself when I saw the car parked in her office wall.
If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :-2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman2 French men and 1 French woman2 German men and 1 German woman2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman2 English men and 1 English woman One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhaustedd.Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..."A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Las Vegas and Billericay don't have a lot in common. But they are the only two places on Earth where you can pay for sex with chips.
During a recent password audit in our office, it was found that the new blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said the computer told her it had to be at least 8 characters long.
I'm having difficulty creating saline water. I can't work out if the salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]I'm not saying my new girlfriend's a bit of a slut. But people keep writing "even my van's not as dirty as this", on her back. [/TD] [TD="width: 95, align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
Yes, money can't buy you happiness.. But its more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce, than it is to cry on a bicycle.
Supporting England Football Team is a bit like taking your turn halfway through a Bukkake session, according to Roy Hodgson. "We need to improve our position as we're only wanking 9th," he said earlier today.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
In the hospital there is a sign that reads: IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS So when one of the patients started to have a heart attack, I trod on his spectacles.
The Infinite Monkey Theorem suggests that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite amount of time, one of them will produce the entire works of Shakespeare. A few years back, someone reduced the number of monkeys to 100, gave them a 12-hour deadline and created the Daily Mail.
Two flies buzzing around a news stand selling the Daily Mail: "Weird," says one, "I can smell the shit but can't find it anywhere ..."
The daughter of a cabinet minister is walking home with her mum: "Mummy, I know how you get babies." "Oh really? How's that then?" "Well mummy unzips daddy's trousers, takes out his willy, puts it in her mouth and sort of sucks it. And that's how you get babies." "Oh darling that's sweet, but that's not how we get babies. That's how we get champagne, diamonds and expensive cars."
