Joke Page

Ok here's a longer one....3 bats hanging off a branch....hungry as hell....says the one, I am so hungry I'm off to find food....and flutters away!

20mins later he's back, face covered in blood, with a satisfied smile! Wow say the other two bats....where did you find food?

Well he says, I flew south from here, over that tree over there, came across a mega house party, all the guests were so out of it, i could drink from them and they didnt even feel it!!!

Well, I'm hungry and I'm off out of here to find food says the second bat and flutters away!

10mins later he's back....face covered in blood with a satisfied grin on it....Wow that was quick, where did you find food....

Well you see that post over there??? well I flew in that direction, came across some homeless people under a bridge! Man they were sleeping so tightly....I could drink blood to my hearts content and they didnt even feel it!

That's it says the 3rd bat!!! I'm out of here off to find food!!! And flutters away....not 5 mins go by and he's back....face covered in blood!!!

Wow that was super quick....where did you find food so quickly say the other two????

Well says no3....I flew in that direction, and you see that wall over there...pointing in the distance....yeeesss say the other two!!!

Well I didn't!!! :redface::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

 

Little girls should be obscene but not heard.

 

So, after my prostate exam yesterday, the doctor left the room. A couple of seconds later the Nurse came in and said the 3 words no man wants to hear...

"Who was that?"

 

Iv'e never been much of a looker,

which is probably why I keep getting knocked over when I cross the road!

 

Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the
felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offense. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

 

Oi ! Rudolph ! That's one of mine !