I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off. It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?' So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.
"Sit down we need to talk,"I said to my wife,"I've been doing a lot of thinking." "You're scaring me Dave" she said worryingly. Then I remembered I was wearing my werewolf mask.
An old man was standing at a bus stop when a large chavvy woman with 2 kids walks over. The kids are misbehaving and she is screaming obscenities at them. The old man says to her ''Are they twins?'', the chavvy women looks at him and shouts "No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 5, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?" The old man casually replies, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....
Following the success of channel 4's documentary, 'The man with 10 stone testicles' they will be showing a programme about Coleen Rooney. "The woman with the 15 stone cnut" will be screened next week.
I asked David Cameron to wash my car, and he refused. Sometimes I think politicians forget who they actually work for.
"My wife hasn't wanted sex for over a year," complained my friend down the pub. "That's just not true mate," I replied without thinking.
I was at my wife's parents this weekend when we all got a but drunk. "If you ever hurt my beautiful daughter, I'll kill you," said her father. "That will never happen, Derek," I replied. "And how do you know that?" He asked. "Because I married the ugly one."
The Reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing Garda comes up and says "you can't do that in the street, what are you at" ... The rev replies,"You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps" To which the Garda replies "Well,if you're in that far, you may as well finish"
I walked past a chav mum with two kids in a pram. Smiling I said "are they teething yet?" "Yea" she said proudly "Two car stereos and an iPhone"
BREAKING NEWS: Scotland's Andy Murray loses the first two sets, but Britain's Andy Murray comes back to win the following three sets.
I dont trust the police any more. They put two bobbies on the front door of No.10, and that cunt of a Prime Minister still gets out every day.
When my wife was diagnosed with cancer I said to her, "Look on the bright side, that's your alopecia cured."
I saw a woman walking down the street shouting today. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No, I've lost my dog." she replied, "He answers to Ben." I said, "Get Ben to look for him then."
You could see the passion in Andy Murray's stunning girlfriend as she stood up cheering on every point won. You could even lip read her words. "Come on meal ticket"
David Cameron is chatting to an architect at a dinner party. "You know," he says, "if I weren't Prime Minister, I would probably design buildings." "Great," says the architect. "If you weren't Prime Minister, I probably would too."
Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs to be created in the UK. The Prime Minister of Poland has welcomed the news.
