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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Independence Day - Honestly, only America could have a day off to celebrate a film.
     
    #3121 El Toro, Jul 4, 2013
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  2. When I was young My mum always used to send me to my room for exaggerating.......

    Well I say room, I actually mean Aircraft hangar filled with Chocolate and computer games!
     
    #3122 Phartycr0c, Jul 4, 2013
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  3. As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

    "What was that?" snapped my wife.

    "You herd."
     
    #3123 El Toro, Jul 4, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  4. The customer service rep of the online pharmacy said "how can you tell the Viagra we sold was fake?"

    "Well, it wasn't hard." I replied.
     
    #3124 El Toro, Jul 4, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I foiled a bank robber earlier.

    It keeps him fresher than cling film.
     
    #3125 Rudolph Hart, Jul 4, 2013
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  6. Geoff Shreeves has just told John Terry he won't be allowed to lift the Wimbledon trophy if Andy Murray wins it.
     
    #3126 Rudolph Hart, Jul 4, 2013
  7. I really enjoy watching wobbly tits.


    Putting whisky in the bird bath was a great idea.
     
    #3127 Rudolph Hart, Jul 4, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Squaddies Jim and Steve were sitting in a bomb crater when Jim said that he wanted a shit."Bugger off over there ,you aint stinking the place out!"Said Steve,pointing to a derelict house.Off Jim went but didn't return for over an hour."Where have you been?"asked Steve."Ah well"repied Jim"There was this woman in the house,so I had sex with her" "You lucky git did you have oral?"Queried Steve"No" said Jim"I couldnt find her head"
     
    #3128 keith916, Jul 4, 2013
  9. After looking through my wedding photos I realised I still have all the negatives.


    My wife and kids.
     
    #3129 El Toro, Jul 4, 2013
  10. I was at the restaurant with my wife and as she took a bite out of her meal she began to choke.


    My natural instinct was to scream for help as a woman from a nearby table came over and helped my wife stop choking. The crazed woman looked me dead in the eyes and said, "what were you thinking! What do you usually do when a woman is choking?!"


    "Back up a few inches" I replied.
     
    #3130 El Toro, Jul 4, 2013
  11. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

    It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
     
    #3131 El Toro, Jul 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. I've been shagging this girl from the benefits agency. I am going to abruptly stop without any explanation.

    See how she likes it.
     
    #3132 El Toro, Jul 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  13. My wife said, "I want you to lick every inch of my body."

    I said, "Can't I just poke you with a stick instead?"
     
    #3133 El Toro, Jul 5, 2013
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  14. It's been reported that Katie Price may be expecting twins.

    There'll be enough room for them to do 'Ring a ring o'roses' on the way out.
     
    #3134 El Toro, Jul 5, 2013
  15. Did you know you can kill someone with socks?

    It's true, it doesn't matter what they're wearing.
     
    #3135 El Toro, Jul 5, 2013
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  16. My wife has just posed nude for a magazine.

    That's one branch of WH Smith we shan't be going back to....
     
    #3136 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. "Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?"


    "No, Eric."
     
    #3137 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
  18. Surprise sex - a great way to be woken up.


    If you are not in prison.....
     
    #3138 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
  19. A yawning man demonstrates his impoliteness.

    A yawning woman demonstrates her capabilities.
     
    #3139 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
  20. > true court exchanges

    > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    > WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
     
    #3140 Char, Jul 5, 2013
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