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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Good quote for a boring meeting:

    "It is so difficult to be dumb these days. There is just too much competition."
     
    #3141 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
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  2. For the mother in law:

    "Shut up when you are talking to me."
     
    #3142 Rudolph Hart, Jul 5, 2013
  3. A Roman centurian walks into a bar, holds up two fingers & says, "Five beers please."
     
    #3143 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
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  4. Paul Gascoigne is set to return to Spurs where he will be given back his number eight shirt.

    Only this time there will be a one over the top of it
     
    #3144 El Toro, Jul 6, 2013
  5. "I do wish you wouldn't talk about my weight problem behind my back," the wife moaned.

    "Fuck me, love," I replied, "by the time I get around the front I'll have forgotten what I was going to say."
     
    #3145 El Toro, Jul 6, 2013
  6. I wouldn't say my wife is fat, she's just big boned.


    Her hips, arse and stomach bones are enormous.
     
    #3146 El Toro, Jul 6, 2013
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  7. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
     
    #3147 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
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  8. "Dad, I've wanted to tell you something for a while now - I'm gay. Say something."

    "You're adopted."
     
    #3148 El Toro, Jul 6, 2013
  9. Living at the seaside two hundred years ago, what kind of idiot would call their house "Smugglers Cottage"?
     
    #3149 El Toro, Jul 6, 2013
  10. Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. None - it's a hardware problem.
     
    #3150 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  11. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

    The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

    The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
     
    #3151 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. My wife always has to go over the top.

    She's too fat to get through the gaps in the fence.
     
    #3152 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
  13. Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. A fish.
     
    #3153 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
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  14. After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of m&m's,
    I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a bounty hunter!
     
    #3154 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
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  15. 3/4 length trousers...For people who look a twat in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.
     
    #3155 Rudolph Hart, Jul 6, 2013
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  16. ... which is a random tribal affair that means nothing to anyone.
     
    #3156 gliddofglood, Jul 6, 2013
  17. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change...
     
    #3157 JR45, Jul 6, 2013
  18. How many blonde women does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one - she just holds onto the bulb and lets the world revolve around her...
     
    #3158 JR45, Jul 6, 2013
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  19. How many car repair men does it take to change a light bulb ? "Hmmmm, errrrrmmmm, sheeeeeshhhhh, well, yeah... I'm glad that's not my light bulb mate!"
     
    #3159 JR45, Jul 6, 2013
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  20. how many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?..............oops sorry got greedy tried to change too many fingers got burnt, can you all pay for this now please?
     
    #3160 andyb, Jul 6, 2013
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