Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. how many solicitors doe it take to change a light bulb?.............fook it lets throw 3 at this job (and work really hard!), legal aid are paying....
     
    #3161 andyb, Jul 6, 2013
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  2. I've just heard something about that cunt who everybody hates, having just gone back to Jordan.


    Well, more fool you, Peter Andre.
     
    #3162 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  3. I don't know much about African culture.


    Except that there isn't any situation where dancing is inappropriate.
     
    #3163 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
  4. I've just picked up a nasty computer virus. It's wiping my hard drive and sending all my email contacts animal pornography and terrorist manifestos.


    It's PC gone mad, I'm telling you.
     
    #3164 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  5. I don't get all these posts about girls taking off their bras after a long day how its the 'best feeling in the world' and how guys will 'never undersand'


    When a girl takes her bra off its the best feeling for us too!
     
    #3165 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  6. This geezer offered me a go on his Ice Rink for 10p....bloody cheap skate........
     
    #3166 Lightning_650, Jul 7, 2013
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  7. Whilst I was away on business my wife, being the romantic sort, sent me a text:


    If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!


    I replied "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
     
    #3167 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
  8. Andy Murray is now officially the best Scottish tennis player England has ever had.
     
    #3168 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  9. Remember this day.

    Because it's not going to be very often you hear of a Scotsman winning in court.
     
    #3169 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  10. Just turned on the telly in time to see Andy Murray's post match interview and it looks like he won.......or lost..... Hell, I really don't know.
     
    #3170 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
  11. Andy Murray has just sealed the fate for Scottish Devolution.

    There's no way we are going to lose our Wimbledon champion to a group of skirt-wearing, foul-mouthed, lard eating alcoholics.
     
    #3171 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  12. My wife says I'm just jumping on the bandwagon celebrating a new British Wimbledon champion, and that I've no right to celebrate what I don't understand, well she can be as bitter as she likes, Congratulations Andy Murphy !
     
    #3172 El Toro, Jul 7, 2013
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  13. Once upon a time my body was loose and flexible and my dick was constantly stiff!

    Now my dick is loose and flexible and my body's constantly stiff!
     
    #3173 Rudolph Hart, Jul 8, 2013
  14. I met William Hague & told him, "My dad says you're spying on us."

    Hague said, "He's not your dad."
     
    #3174 Rudolph Hart, Jul 8, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2013
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  15. I was nearly raped in jail last night.

    My family take Monopoly far too seriously.
     
    #3175 Rudolph Hart, Jul 8, 2013
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  16. John Inverdale has apologised for singling out and offending the Ladies Wimbledon Champion, Marion Bartoli, as "no looker".

    In a statement today he was relieved to say "now that Andy Murray has won as well, I can confirm that they are both ugly bastards".
     
    #3176 El Toro, Jul 8, 2013
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  17. I bet Andy Murray struggled to get home after winning Wimbledon, having to tow that fucking massive bandwagon that everyone seems to have jumped on!!
     
    #3177 El Toro, Jul 8, 2013
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  18. I have something called the Jehovah's Witness Relocation Programme.

    Anyone knocking on my door at 8 am on a Sunday, their family will never bloody see them again!
     
    #3178 Rudolph Hart, Jul 8, 2013
  19. To all vegetarians:

    My food shits on your food.......
     
    #3179 Rudolph Hart, Jul 8, 2013
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  20. My wife's new years resolution was to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.

    She's only got 30 pounds to go.
     
    #3180 El Toro, Jul 8, 2013
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