Boris Becker: Murray showed his class time and again during that victory. Tim Henman: Got to give him credit for achieving an incredible victory. John Inverdale: Ugly fucker, isn't he?
We had a power cut yesterday and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Murray wins Wimbledon Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland? I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West
With all these reports in the paper about unexploded devices being left outside mosques, I think one thing is clear. . . White people make rubbish terrorists.
Good news... There is now a support group for folk singers and morris dancers with a drinking problem... It's called Alcoholics A-nonny-nonny-mous !
Q. How do you teach a blonde maths? A. Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Apple are about to complete a sponsorship deal with Newcastle United. You'll be able to download their games through iToons!
There are only a few impossible tasks for a human. For example: 1. You can't count all the hairs on your own head; 2. You can't wash your eyes with soap; 3. You can't breathe with your tongue fully extended; 4. You should put your tongue back in, you daft twat.....
I was at my girlfriends parents today when her mum offered me a cup of tea. "I don't like tea thanks," I said. "Well what do you like?" She asked. "Hardcore porn, class A drugs and when your daughter let's me take her up the arse." "I was hoping coffee," she replied.
Andy Murray is the first British Men's singles champion at Wimbledon in 77 years. To put that length of time into context: 77 years ago, Nelson Mandela wasn't even ill.
I once had an affair with a member of the Royal family. I'm not allowed to say who, for regal liasions.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on a beach earlier... I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages !!
A year ago I said to my wife, "Every time we make love, we put a pound coin in a money box and see how much we can save up." I opened the box today and said to my wife, "Where the fuck have all these notes come from?" She said, "Not everyone's a tight cunt like you."
I find that taking off a padded bra gives me the opportunity to stretch my limbs without the constraint of Lycra, nylon, cotton etc.
