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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I just saved 4 children & their parents from a burning house and got a really big pat on the back.

    Just think if I could play tennis I might have got a knighthood as well.
     
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  2. My mother-in-law is a bit heathen.

    She's covered in a layer of coarse grass and dogs shit on her.
     
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  3. two cannibals eating a clown one say's to the other does this taste funny to you ?
     
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  4. Chelsea have made a bid for Suarez, and are using ivanovic as bait.
     
  5. My mate Steven who shares the same name as me, thought it funny to erase the letters 'St' from my pencil case.So during break I did the same to his.

    Now we're even.
     
  6. 3 Grannies have just been flashed in Hyde park, one of them had a stroke, the other 2 couldn't reach.
     
  7. "Never in the history of the Britain, was so much, owed to so few, by so many." I said to my mate.

    "Winston Churchill?" He asked.

    "No, fucking Wonga loans." I replied.
     
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  8. I've managed to pinpoint the exact moment when a boy becomes a man.

    When he is the one taking his luggage off the conveyor belt.
     
  9. I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2013' award.


    I can't tell you how much it means to me.
     
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  10. When I saw my wife getting brutally gangraped in a nearby park she screamed desperately for me to call the police.


    I must admit that I let them get through almost an hour of their set (and all of the classics) before I could pluck up the courage to admit to Sting that there had been some sort of a misunderstanding.
     
  11. I've just walked into the bathroom to find my son bent over, spraying himself with Lynx:


    "What the fuck are you doing boy?" I asked.


    "This is what you're supposed to do, look" he replied, showing me the can.


    "Read it properly you dickhead" I said, "it's an aerosol deodorant."
     
  12. "Hi honey you're home early," I said to my wife,before she stormed off to the bedroom without saying a word.


    So I immediately started wondering what could've happened.Has her mum or dad passed away.


    Perhaps she's lost her job and wants to be left alone.


    Maybe one of her friends passed away.. and I'm pretty sure it's not our anniversary or Valentines day.


    Then it struck me,..It's because I'm naked on top of her sister.
     
  13. "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

    "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

    In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

    And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

    Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

    "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.

    Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

    "It's swollen," Bob replied.

    She ran out of the room.​
     
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  14. Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vagina.
     
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  15. It is said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

    Unless he's a vegetarian.

    In which case, it's through his fanny...
     
  16. The secretary saw her boss's fly is open.

    She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."

    Boss: "Did you see my Ducati?"

    Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."
     
  17. I settled down to watch this programme about transgender marriage the other night, but was disappointed that it focused on scenery instead. I phoned the BBC to complain.

    Turns out that the Hebrides are a Scottish Island.
     
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  18. I was at the Tate Modern Gallery with my friend today and we saw a painting of a man with frizzy hair which had the name 'Garfunkel' written underneath.

    My friend said, "I like it, but is it Art?"
     
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  19. I read of a diet that says you should start the morning with a 'piece of fruit' eat something 'light' midday followed by something enjoyable at tea time.

    So I've been having a banana for breakfast, soup for lunch and a cheeky wank at dinner.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Just had a sneak preview of Bono's new album.

    It's very similar to the stuff he did with U2, with less edge....
     
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