After years of being unable to do certain sexual positions with my dwarf wife, I started having an affair with a woman from work. I thought "Fuck it, wife's too short."
Was in the Loft the other day and found an old Christmas present from last year id bought for my daughter but never gave her, shame really she would have liked that puppy !!
As my missus waited for the lottery result, she said "I wouldn't know what to do if i got 5 balls and the bonus." I replied "You haven't got a clue when you get 2 balls and a boner either."
My wife came to me weeping last night, saying that she could never live up to the girls in my porn mags. I took her in my arms and made sweet love to her. Then when I was finished, I shoved her under the bed.
"Is it just me.." said the wife earlier "..or are you getting a bit fat?" "It's just you." I replied.
My girlfriend was giving me a blow job earlier. She stopped for a moment and said, "Let me know when you're close..." She then hung up on her husband and carried on sucking my cock.
Most married men will lose their wedding ring at least once in their lifetime, and I can believe it. I lose mine every time I go up town with the lads.
My blonde daughter has been studying for the theory part her driving test and tells me she is confident she will pass it. "Are you sure,? It is not that easy." I told her. "Ask me any question Dad" She replied, "OK then, name me two information signs you would see by the side of the road." I asked. "That's easy," She said, "free range eggs available, and pick your own strawberries."
I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night, but BBC Parliament are allowed to show cnuts all day.
A girl at work teases me saying I'm gay cause she's never seen me with another girl. So when I came across a picture of her on a social network site, naked wearing only a pair of pink fluffy slippers I commented 'Like, Like, Like.' She wrote back, 'Really?' I replied, 'Yeah, how much do you want for them?'
My blonde daughter has been studying for the theory part her driving test and tells me she is confident she will pass it. "Are you sure,? It is not that easy." I told her. "Ask me any question Dad" She replied, "OK then, what's the most speed you can do on a British road?" "Oh, that's a tricky one, but I think it's about two grams."
"I think it's a total disgrace that Muirfield was awarded this years British Open," I said to new girl in work. "In this day and age, not to allow female members makes it our equivalent of the Taliban not allowing young girls into the education system. Total bloody disgrace." Amazing the bullshit you can spout when you want to shag someone.
Last nite I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd. I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started…!
June's been reported as one of the wettest on record. The dirty bitch had been reading 50 Shades of Grey.
My wife came downstairs today saying "Look what I found in the closet. A pair of Crotchless Panties." As she modelled them seductively. I didn't have the heart to tell the fat bitch it was one of my vests.
Pappis Cisse has refused to play for Newcastle over an ongoing protest at their shirt sponsorship deal with payday loan company'Wonga'. In a similar move, Fernando Torres has refused to play for Chelsea since joining them due to their sponsorship deal with Samsung because he has an iPhone.
Who'd have thought the Queen and I would have something in common? It turns out that she doesn't mind if the royal baby is a boy or a girl. I couldn't give a rat's ass either.
Newcastle footballist Papiss Cisse is refusing to wear a shirt with the club's sponsor wonga.com on it. He obviously feels like he can't give 5853%. Typical.
My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.
