Papiss Cisse fined for refusing to wear shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga. Initial fine of £5000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday.
Fair play to Kate Middleton - she's proof that it's NOT just in Liverpool that jobless women have babies to get more money from state handouts.
According to Christianity, masturbation is a sin. This probably explains why priests prefer to put their cocks inside little kids rather than wanking off.
BREAKING NEWS!!! Wayne Rooney is set to join Chelsea after his wife Coleen agreed personal terms with John Terry.
My wife is so fat, she entered a Dawn French look a like competition and won first, second and third.
If professor Stephen Hawking ever came round to my house to convince me that space is infinite, I'd quite easily prove him wrong. There's nowhere to park outside.
When I bit into my meat pie, there was a massive great fly in the middle. Disgusted, I took the pie back to the shop. The baker looked at it and said, "That's fat, that is." "It should be." I said, "It's eaten half my fucking pie."
After twelve weeks of intense competition, business challenges and boardroom battles Sir Alan Sugar has finally chosen his apprentice. The one with blond hair and big tits
My 15-year-old son and I recently went on Dragon's Den to ask for an investment in our new face cream which makes you look younger. As all 4 dragons sat there staring at me I said, "We are a father & son team who strongly believe in this product." "Have you used this cream on your own face?" they asked. "No, but my dad has." I said, looking at my son, "Haven't you dad?"
To claim benefits, is it a legal requirement for council estate mothers of six to name their children after pop stars and super cars?
A posh girl & a chav girl are sat in class when the teacher asks "can anyone give me a sentence with the word improper within the sentence?" The posh girl says "I was in town with my dad and someone swore which I thought was most improper" "Good,anyone else?" asked the teachers The chav girl says "When Im having sex with my boyfriend & his balls hit my arse I know he's inproper"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses', replied the bird. 'Moses'? the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.
She lay naked on my bed with just a carrot, a leek & a cauliflower covering her nether regions. She called it a vegazzle.
A group of Conservative backbenchers who are opposed to legalisation of gay marriage, have told David Cameron that he has 'no mandate'. He replied, "True, but there are bars where I could easily find one."
David Cameron claims he has a tantric approach to the EU. This explains why it appears that he's doing nothing effective and yet we're all being deeply fucked.
Two Eastern European men have been arrested under the Terrorism Act in connection with explosions near two mosques. The EDL are furious. Those foreigners coming over here, taking over our racism.
Got kicked out from my girlfriend's parents' anniversary party last night. She'd called me and invited me because she wanted to introduce me to them, so I said, "What shall I wear?" She said, "Oh, don't worry. It's not too formal. Just come as you are." Well, I can't blame her. How was she to know I was in the bath when she called me.
