1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 165 of 470
  1. Wayne Roony transfer has stalled as colleen cant agree personal terms with John Terry
     
    #3281 paulfastbikes, Jul 18, 2013
  2. [TABLE="width: 397"]
    [TR]
    [TD]A postman died on his rounds today after collapsing in the extreme heat.

    Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'.[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
    #3282 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  3. I phoned the local council & asked what precautions might be taken in the event of a Dalek invasion.

    They told me steps had been put in place...
     
    #3283 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  4. My wife was told that nibbling on ginger snap biscuits would prevent her from feeling travel sick in the car on holiday.

    Worked perfectly.

    As she popped into Tesco to buy some, I buggered off without her.....
     
    #3284 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with only one leg?

    A. Limp biscuit.
     
    #3285 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. I was in the pub earlier tonight & bought a ginger beer.

    Ungrateful bitch never even said thank you.
     
    #3286 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Starred in a James Bond themed porno film last week, and the director was extremely pleased with my performance.

    Came right on Q.
     
    #3287 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
  8. After my wife passed on unexpectedly, the vicar came round.

    "How can I help my children deal with their grief?" I asked him.

    "Have them each pick something she loved to be buried with her," he advised. "This can can often give a sense of closure."

    Bless my young son's heart, he knew his mum so well.

    "Let's just skip the casket and bury her in the fridge," he suggested.
     
    #3288 El Toro, Jul 19, 2013
  9. "Those sunglasses are fake!" I said to my Dyslexic mate.

    "No they're not!" He said, "These are proper Roy Banns!"
     
    #3289 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
  10. My car broke down outside a massage parlour on Monday.

    And again tomorrow,
     
    #3290 Rudolph Hart, Jul 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. So John and Edward are called Jedward.

    Anyone else wish they'd been called Peter and Rick?
     
    #3291 El Toro, Jul 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  12. One of Katie Price's kids was talking about his 'invisible friend'.

    Or 'Daddy' as he is also known....
     
    #3292 Rudolph Hart, Jul 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Apparently 1 in 4 relationships now start online.

    If women knew how to check internet history, about 1 in 4 would end online too....
     
    #3293 Rudolph Hart, Jul 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Give a dementia patient a fish and he will eat for a day.

    Give a dementia patient a fish and he will eat for a day.
     
    #3294 El Toro, Jul 22, 2013
  15. Give a man a *poisoned* fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
     
    #3295 El Toro, Jul 22, 2013
  16. Give a man, who can't be arsed to work, a fiver, and he can eat for a day.
    Teach a man, who can't be arsed to work, to sign up for benefits, and he can eat for a lifetime
     
    #3296 El Toro, Jul 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

    But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to fucking death with fishing stories.
     
    #3297 El Toro, Jul 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  18. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day... Teach a man to fish and you give him an excuse to sit in a boat drinking beer...
     
    #3298 JR45, Jul 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  19. A piggy bank goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm feeling a little empty inside, nobody ever seems to give me anything back!"

    "Don't worry," said the doctor, "You're not a loan."
     
    #3299 Rudolph Hart, Jul 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  20. I got a student loan last week.

    Wish I'd never bothered, all he does is sit around drinking my beer & eating crisps.
     
    #3300 Rudolph Hart, Jul 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 165 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information