1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 17 of 470
  1. A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

    The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

    'You got Male!

    ​
     
    #321 749si, Jul 2, 2012
  2. Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

    They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

    The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

    He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

    The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

    The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."     ​
     
    #322 749si, Jul 2, 2012
  3. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Indubitably
    Innovative
    Preliminary
    Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Specificity
    British
    Constitution
    Passive-aggressive disorder
    Loquacious
    Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
    Nope, no more booze for me
    Sorry, but you're not really my type
    Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
    Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing


    ​
    ​
    ​
     
    #323 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  4. My wife has gorgeous long dark hair all down her back, none on her head its just all down her back !!
     
    #324 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  5. So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.

     
    #325 Rudolph Hart, Jul 2, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  6. My mother in law has a black belt in cooking.



    One chop and you're dead.
     
    #326 Rudolph Hart, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  7. After a two month relationship a woman asks her boyfriend:
    Sweetie, when will I meet your relatives?
    Darling, it’s difficult right now. The kids are at their grandmas and my wife is on a business trip.
     
    #327 749si, Jul 2, 2012
  8. A woman goes to a perfume store to buy something new and asks the seller:
    I'd like something that would make my husband spend more time with me. Do you have something that smells like a computer?
     
    #328 749si, Jul 2, 2012
  9. Irishmen Drinking
    Mick: If you can guess the number of vodka bottles I have, I can give both of them to you.
    Murphy: Erm, Four?
     
    #329 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Do you hear about the dyslexic agnostic schizophrenic?
    She was in two minds as to whether there's a dog!
     
    #330 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  11. Two male dog owners are bragging about how wonderful their respective hounds are.
    First dog owner says "My dog is so clever that he waits by the front door every morning for the delivery boy to put the newspaper through the letterbox and then bring it to me in the kitchen to read whilst I eat breakfast."

    "I know" said the second dog owner smugly "my dog told me".
     
    #331 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  12. Question: Where can you obtain virgin wool?
    Answer: Really ugly sheep.
     
    #332 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Question: Why did Jack take a prune out for the evening?
    Answer: He couldn’t get a date.
     
    #333 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  14. My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs.
     
    #334 749si, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

    Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
     
    #335 Rudolph Hart, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  16. This fellow said to me, “I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.”

    I thought, “That's a turn-up for the books.”
     
    #336 Rudolph Hart, Jul 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  17. An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    [​IMG]

    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
     
    #337 Rudolph Hart, Jul 3, 2012
  18. Took my girlfriend to the doctors to sort out her tourettes.

    Turns out she doesn`t have it after all.

    Apparently, I really am a twat and she really does want me to fuck off!
     
    #338 Pierre 66, Jul 3, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  19. I see they've found the Higgs-Boson particle.
    I bet it was in a Catholic Church.
    Without it there is no mass.
     
    #339 shadow, Jul 4, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  20. This makes me Laugh out loud every time i read it !! :biggrin:
     
    #340 749si, Jul 4, 2012
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 17 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information