I've been living in Devon for 26 years and I finally got a girlfriend. We were dating for 6 months, but unfortunately last night she dumped me. Well it's not too bad I suppose, she said we could still be cousins.
Why did me and my wife cross the road? I don't fucking know she was too busy moaning, I couldn't get a word in edge ways.
The best way to wake your wife up in the mornings is with oral sex. Careful she doesn't choke though..
It doesn't seem fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night, but BBC Parliament are allowed to show c*nts all day.
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said,"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did youknow that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this”. hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' "You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
I was just watching some excellent lesbian Thai porn: just three horny girls, getting dirty with each other, giving each other blow jobs... Hang on...
I walked into my doctor's with a carrot in my ear & a stick of celery up my nose. The doctor told me I wasn't eating properly.
So I see the new Doctor Who is Glaswegian. Will the first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen?
My wife got home from work and was livid, "What the fuck have you done all day? No tea ready, the house is a pigsty, clothes are all over the place and you are still in your pyjamas." "I just thought I would do what you used to do all day when you were not working," I shouted back at her. "So, how was the milkman's cock, then?" she snapped back.
"That slut who lives next door told me that she's fucked every bloke on our street, except one", said my wife. "I bet it's that nerd who lives two doors down", I replied.
There was a serious accident in the city today, as a tanker of Canestan crashed head-on into a Marmite lorry. By the time the emergency services arrived, it was all cleared up.
Just bought a TV from ebay. The advert read: 'For sale, TV. Volume stuck on max.' I couldn't turn that down...
What's the difference between dollar and pound? You can't dollar your wife when you catch her cheating.
I hold the record for the smallest collection of penguins in the world; I don't have any at all. OK, other people don't have any either, but they're not collectors.
