My girlfriend's dog died recently, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. She threw a strop & kicked me out. Any ideas what I'm going to do with 2 dead dogs?
That reminds me: Never ever get drunk in South Korea. It's a tad awkward the next morning when hair of the dog turns out to be a starter rather than a hangover cure.
I'm more than comfortable to be a passenger when my wife wants to drive. To show her how happy I am, I even wave to her from the bus stop
There was a rumour that the failed North Korea rocket was carrying chocolate bars, but personally I think it was just Chinese Wispas.
10 year old girl walks into the kitchen, "How was your day at school sweetie?" asks her mom. "Darren Harris showed us his willy in the playground." Mom was just about to let rip, "It reminded me of a peanut." the girl continued. Holding back a stifled Chortle, mom changed her tune, "Really that small eh?" "No, It tasted salty!"
husband and wife lying in bed when the wife turns to her spouse "If I passed away would you meet anyone else?" "Probably" replied the husband. "Would she sleep in our bed?" says the wife getting a little upset. "Probably" he replied "Would you play golf with her?" said the wife now holding back tears. "Probably" "Would you let her use my clubs?" "No, she's a left hander!"
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?' The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.' The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.' The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'
I finished my test-tube burger, and the waitress brought me the bill. "Two hundred and fifty grand?!" I gulped, "How is that even possible?" "We got the bun from Waitrose," she replied.
I woke up this morning, turned to my wife and said "I had a sexy dream last night and you were in it." She giggled and said "Was I a naughty girl then?" "No, you caught me shagging your sister."
What's the difference between a tramp and an MP? One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society. The other's a tramp.
I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University. "By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students. A Muslim stood up. "But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said. "Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."
My glamorous and extremely highly strung wife came downstairs on the evening of our anniversary wearing diamonds, a Chanel dress and Louboutin heels. "I wonder where we are going tonight", she said excitedly. "The Dorchester", I said. "Ooooh!" "Oh, and Chester", I said to the butler as I stepped outside. "Send a car to pick us up outside Burger King at 11".
I think my new girlfriend's a bit of a slut. I asked her if she preferred being on top or on the bottom during sex and she replied "In the middle."
"Hi! I'm 42 years old, a Liberal-Democrat MP and - you might find this hard to believe - an honest, hard-working and decent person." "Hi! I'm 25 years old, a prostitute and - you might find this hard to believe - a virgin."
Aston Villa have announced they are retiring row Z at Villa Park. As a belated honour to Emile Heskey.
