I said to my mate, "I thought my Gran was dead when I walked in her house today. But then she woke up and screamed." He said, "I bet you were shocked." I said, "Not as much as she was. I'd just cut her finger off to get her wedding ring."
My wife was abducted by a gang of black kidnappers who were demanding ten grand for her return. On the phone they said, "If you don't pay by nine tomorrow morning, Winston with the twelve inch cock will help himself to your wife." I replied, "Put her on so I know you have her." My wife came on, "Dave pay the fucking bastards, I beg you, but leave it till half past nine."
Argos are coming to drop a wardrobe off that I bought yesterday. I'll have to make sure that I'm home between 7.30am tomorrow and the 28th of October.
I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. Feck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus... Still, at the end of the day........a shag's a shag!
My wife tore me off a strip this morning & said I was rude for yawning all the time she was talking. I wasn't yawning, I was just trying to say something.
Although a UKIP MEP has stated that Bongo Bongo Land doesn't actually exist, it is still above Scotland and Wales in the FIFA world rankings.
The American Food and Drug Administration is trying to classify marijuana as a vegatable What an ingenius way to get those fat bastards to stay away from marijuana.
Women who say it's the worst thing ever when it's 'that time of the month' have obviously never dated a woman during 'that time of the month.'
I tied my wife up to the bed and she told me to do what pleases me the most. So I went downstairs and made a sandwich and put the football on.
I was really excited after losing my virginity last night. "But what do we do now?" I asked. "Kiss? Cuddle?" "No, you fuck off back to your bunk," said my cellmate.
My son told me he is a huge fan of One Direction, And now I have no idea how I'm going to get all these bloodstains off the walls before the wife gets home.
I have been accused in the past of not being assertive enough. So when I found out that the plumber was having an affair with my wife AND billing me at double time, I knew I finally had to put my foot down. And I think I've got him down to time and a half.
My porn addiction is really starting to mess with my head. I got an 'F' in my homework, but for some reason my MILF of a teacher doesn't want to suck my cock.
Penis to testicles: "Right lads, get ready and I'll take you to a party!" Testicles to penis: "You fecking liar, you always go inside and leave us outside banging on the backdoor."
Paddy is on trial for domestic violence. The judge asks "Why do you keep beating your wife Paddy?" Paddy replies, "Probably because of my weight advantage, longer reach & fabulous footwork"
I've just won the World Domestic Violence Championship. I knocked my mother in law out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.
