Experts at Edinburgh Zoo think the female panda is pregnant but they can't be certain until she actually gives birth. Isn't that the case for all females in Scotland?
DAILY MIRROR: Edinburgh Zoo's female giant panda Tian Tian may be pregnant DAILY MAIL: Chinese immigrant scroungers to have baby.
I've been living with herpes and gonorrhoea for three years now. They both insist that Bob Geldof is their dad.
After emptying the small water butt from behind the garage for the fifteenth time today, I collapsed on to my knees, exhausted on the lawn. I like big butts and I cannot lie.
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]Obesity has become a major problem in the western world. It's about time somebody else got off their fat arse and done something about it. [/TD] [TD="align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
"I'm hungry," I said to the wife. "There's salad in the fridge." "Great," I said. "What the fuck do you want me to do with that? Nip outside and use it as bait to catch something edible?"
As a professional photographer, it really pisses me off when people look at my work and say "These are beautiful, you must have a really good camera." Fuck off, you cunts!! You wouldn't say to Gordon Ramsay "That was delicious Gordon, you must have a tremendous saucepan."
HMRC have released new photos of the 20 most wanted tax dodgers. It took me a few minutes to realise I wasn't looking at a "spot the white man" competition.
I spent four hours this morning digging my neighbour's garden. And all he could do was call me a dope-smoking-hippy-bastard
a family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "i'm surprised it can fly with a dick like that".
The Swiss Government have apologised to Oprah Winfrey after she experienced racism in a high-end designer handbag store "The Swiss are not racist at all," read the statement. "Besides, the cashier was Italian, and we all know what those dagos are like"
The new rules - introduced by the Home Office today - state that CCTV cameras should be used to protect and support people, not to spy on them. That's a coincidence, I wrote exactly that down on a piece of paper whilst sat in my garden last week?
