I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they make more money than me.
Presumably Oprah Winfrey wants equality for black people. Well, there's nothing more equal than starving African children and a fat multi-millionaire buying vanity products in Switzerland.
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is. "Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse." [/TD] [TD="align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
"Your neck tastes all salty!" I said to the prostitute. "Yeah it's been a busy week, I've got work coming out of my ears" She replied.
My thoughts are with the unfortunate people of Gibraltar just now. Stuck between a rock and a hard-up place.
My wife warned me she would leave me if she ever caught me with another woman but now she says she didn't mean it... But I refuse to let her go back on her word.
When my girlfriend moved out the first thing I did was change all the locks. We lived on a house-boat and the canal authorities went fucking mental.
They say that one in every seven friends has OCD. It's not me. It's either Albert, Brian, Craig, Dave, Edward or Fred.
I thought my new girlfriend was great, but after checking out her underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid uniform and a police uniform I broke up with her. It's obvious to me she can't stick to one job.
What is white, the size of a smartie and can induce a cardiac arrest in an 83-year old man within one second? Rolf Harris's door bell.
As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it. "Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked. "You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?" "No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."
My secretary was telling me how she didn't want to use the new e-mail system because her cousin had one and had a problem with viruses and, anyway, she didn't like new technology and her brother said...... "Oh for fuck's sake," I said impatiently. "Just stick to the fax."
I've just learned that tantric sex is where you have sex without moving. I've never tried it myself, but my wife does it all the time.
If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.
Q. What's the differents between a premenstrual women and a terrorist? A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
My wife called me whilst I was at the shops today. She said, "Can you buy the baby some new clothes in 3-6 months?" "Sure," I replied, "Just remind me nearer the time."
Walkers plan to increase potato crisp sales in the middle east by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range.
