At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body." He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood." Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "You can fuck off."
My wife is always moaning that I've never woken her up on her birthday with a surprise. So this year I'm planning an early morning phone call from Spain telling her I've sold the house.
I finally shaved my untidy pubes off today and was very pleased with the results. Found three cock-rings I thought I'd lost.
Those Home Office illegal immigrant "Go home or face arrest" vans are useless.. The writing is written in english
Theresa May is claiming the new internet snooping laws will "help trap killers like Ian Huntley." Is it just me or shouldn't we be trying to catch killers who aren't in prison?
"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2 Tone Ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like 'Ghost Town' and 'Too Much too Young'." "Well, that's true", I said to the Waiter, "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials."
At the dinner table last night we were comparing different members of the family. Mine is the longest.
My wife is the type of person who always see's the cup as half full... And then points out all the ways the cup is flawed.
Q. What's the difference between a wife & a crossword? A. You can usually work out what you did wrong with a crossword.
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, have crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death. The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
I was chatting up a sexy Caribbean girl in a club the other night. "I'm an astronomer," I told her. "Yeah right," she said sarcastically, "okay then, so what's your speciality?" "Black holes." I replied.
Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!" I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?" She replied, "Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel."
Ikea has warned that some of its children's beds are unsafe. Specifically, the ones they sold to Catholic boarding schools.
