Apparently a person who is bipolar has difficulty in sustaining relationships, has a grandiose self worth and projects their problems on to their partner. Bloody hell, what are the odds? All nine of my ex-wives must have been bipolar!
A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.
Whenever I drink Bulmers, Thatchers or Magners I develop Tourettes - I think it's having cider FECKS !
A bloke stopped me in the street, "Excuse me" he said "I'm looking for a rubbish tip". So I said "No problem, Sheffield Wednesday to win the league..."
I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip." He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."
Jose Mourinho- "I'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies." Stephen Hawking- "I'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."
I saw my wife punch herself in the eye. "What did you do that for?", I asked "I'm going to tell people YOU hit me" she replied. Two can play at that game, I thought... So I punched her in the other eye.
I was having a pint in the Bricklayers Arms last night. When I thought to myself, "I'd better let him get on and finish this wall off."
"Smoking is bad for you - it increases your heart rate" "Exercise is good for you - it increases your heart rate" Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on." The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
I accidentally clicked on a Daily Mail link at work. Thankfully I managed to switch to some hardcore porn just as someone walked past.
Q. What is the difference between George Washington, David Cameron, and your mother-in-law? A. Washington couldn't tell a lie, Cameron can't tell the truth and your mother-in-law doesn't know the difference.
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her tits.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
A Sunday School teacher wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - "Jesus Christ, are you still in there??"
