Joke Page

I've got to stop drinking so much.


Last night I went to a bondage club and met 2 beautiful blonde sisters who said they were savage.


Next morning in the cold light of day I realised they had meant Lily and Robbie.

 

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa

 

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

 

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'

 

I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance

 

The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately

 

I woke up with a stuffed nose this morning.

My taxidermist housemate thinks he's so funny.

 

I must have really impressed my boss at the shoe shop.

I'm in sole charge today.

 

As Paddy is holding his newborn son in his arms, his wife says, "I've been shagging somebody else and the baby's not yours."

Paddy pauses for a moment and says, "It's my brother, isn't it?"

"Yes." she replies.

"I fucking knew it." shouts Paddy, "I'm going to kill my dad."

 

So One Direction have been branded 'the new Beatles.'

Great, I can't wait to see which one gets shot first

 

Wonder if any policeman has ever managed to keep a straight face while telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.

 

I pulled a bird the other night but realised I didn't have any condoms.

"You O.K going bareback?" I asked.

"As long as you're sure you haven't got HIV," she laughed.

"I'm positive," I replied.

Bitch can't say I didn't tell her.

 

Do you think the rough neighbourhoods in Italy are called the spaghetto?

 

My wife broke down when I told her I'd fucked her sister:

"I couldn't be more hurt" she said.

So I stamped on her toe and called her fatty.