Wife's just gone ballistic at me, I swopped a tampax for a party popper......some folk have no sense of humour.
An older man goes into the pub, looking sad. A woman asks him if he’s okay. “I’m worried about my hearing” he says. She says” I’m a faith healer, let me help” She cups her hands over his ears and prays. Then she says “Are you still worried about your hearing?” He says “Yes. It’s next Tuesday.”
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just taking a dump."
A man goes to see his doctor and says, "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." The doctor says, "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Damian is about to go to bed with his new girlfriend for the first time. After he takes off his shoes and socks, she asks, “Whatever is the matter with your feet?” “Well, when I was a child I suffered from tolio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, tolio – it’s a disease that only affects the toes.” Next he takes off his trousers and says, “OK, now you’ve seen what my knees are like. It’s because I used to have kneasles.” “Don’t you mean measles?” “No, kneasles – it’s a condition that only affects the knees.” Then Damian takes off his underpants, and she says, “Don’t tell me, let me guess – smallcox.”
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough..."
Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.............
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.” So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit’s are so big she could only fasten eight!
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” “Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it. “But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”
This guy just started at his new job, working at a sex shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and “can you handle it?” The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, “How much for the white dildo?” He answers, “£25.” She: “How much for the black one?” He: “£25 for the black one, £25 for the white one.” She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?” He: “£25.” She: “How much for the white one?” He: “£25 for the white one, £25 for the black one.” She: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?” He: “£25 for the white, £25 for the black.” She: “Hmmmmm….how much is that tartan one on the shelf?” He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you £125.” She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the tartan one, I’ve never had a tartan one before.” She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” To which the salesman responded, “I did really well, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos flask for £125!”
What's the difference between the mother in law and a pilchard? One is ugly & greasy with bulging eyes. The other is a fish....
Same teacher as above asks class to come up with a sentence using "contagious" Sally:- I was at granny's and I started laughing, she said my laugh was contagious Teacher:- well done Billy:- last year I had the mumps, and the doctor said it was contagious Teacher:- exellent Paddy (Irish accent):- I was standing with my dad outside our house, and the neighbour came out with a paint pot and a little paintbrush and started painting his porch. My dad said it would take the contagious
I saw a prostitute the other day with no arms. I asked her if it affected her work in any way. She said she couldn`t give a toss.
Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner talking about being caught by the Police, first one says, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?" the other says " No...but ive been swung round by the Tits "
I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you?" I said "quick, hide, my wife`s coming and i`ve lost the remote."
My mate remembers the last thing his mother in law said to him before she died: "What are you doing here with that chain-saw?"
