I came home yesterday, only to find Gok Wan, standing in my living room, wearing my chain mail vest, helmet, sword and holding my shield. That's another chink in my armour!
My eleven year old daughter said to me, "When I get older up daddy I am not having anything to do with men or sex.," So it looks like she is going to take after her mother then.
I wish I partied as much as my neighbours dog did. He's had a lampshade on his head for like 2 weeks straight now.
Working in an old folks' home, there's nothing worse than walking into a room and catching an eighty six year old woman masturbating. It's me who has to fucking sweep up after them.
All these rumours about the Royal Mail are clearly not true, post men stealing our post, parcels not arriving - the list goes on. My London Olympic tickets arrived today so faith has been restored
'One direction are bigger than the beatles' I'll have to see an optician tomorrow, because no matter how many times I've read this headline I can't see the word 'cunts' in there.
Either women are all lying bitches or by some miracle... ...they meet each new boyfriend in ascending cock size.
I like to brag to people how my son handles financial transactions for a multi-billion pound corporation. It's easier than explaining I raised a stupid cunt who cashiers at fucking McDonald's.
My mate's latest chat up line when he meets a hot woman: "Do you have a picture of yourself so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?"
Abu Quatada is already lined up to become the next Man City boss, as he knows a thing or two about staying in Europe.
A salesman knocked on my door today. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."
As I stood there with my pants around my ankles, my doctor looked at me and said, "Your penis needs to be treated." "I treated it last month," I replied, "That's why it looks like this."
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden. Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm.
My welsh mate was struggling to get to sleep at night so I suggested counting sheep, I saw him the next day and he looked more tired than ever. "What happened?" I asked. And he replied "have you ever tried sleeping with an erection
