I've heard they're making a Star Wars Norfolk Edition. "Luke, I'm your father, uncle and brother-in-law".
When I was young, a priest told me that I would find all the answers I needed in the bible. I've been reading it every day since and even have a degree in theology. But I still don't know why that fucking chicken crossed the road.
I confronted my daughter that I thought she was bulimic yesterday. Ironically, she didn't want to bring it up.
I was in Tesco earlier and saw a bloke off Crimewatch who is wanted for several assaults on women. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me. Apparently they use actors on the show.
David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?" Her reply: "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol& food, and then screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"
a guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the parents but he tells her "i must warn you my parents are deaf and dumb" they get there and walk in to the living room to find his mum with a beer bottle up her fanny and his dad is sitting there with his nuts out and a match stick propping his eye open. his bird says " wat the fuck is this" its sign language he replies, my mum is saying get the beers in you cunt and me dad says bollocks im watching the match.
I just had an amazing dream about JLS, One Direction, Justin Bieber, The Wanted, Cher Lloyd & Miley Cyrus. Best Tour Bus crash in history.
If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes. Except for the government. Somehow you have to pay for theirs too.
Bradley Manning has decided to become a woman. I'm not an expert, but disguises usually work better before you get caught by the authorities.
I think I surpassed Jesus's water into wine miracle last night. I turned a small blue pill into 8 inches of wood.
I was in a Rolex shop in Scotland. "I want to buy this one", I said, pointing to the most expensive watch in the store. "Certainly sir", the assistant said, smiling. "Battery?" "Of course". So he deep fried it.
"I would like to be treated as a woman" - Pte Bradley Manning Not the exact words I would be using before being locked in a building with thousands of rapists for 35 years...
I was talking to a mate in the pub when he asked me, "What happened to your brother? I haven't seen him for a while." "No," I replied, "He tweeted a few things about his ex-wife and the next thing you know is the police are looking for him, so he had to make himself scarce." "Bloody hell," he said, "Whatever happened to freedom of speech?" "I know mate.. Although to be fair, it was probably a mistake to tell everyone where he buried her."
my wife came down from the bath, gave me a wink and said, i shaved my pussy in the bath and you know wat that means, i said yeh, the frigin drains blocked again.
Had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out. Now he's a calmer calmer calmer chameleon.
