Newsflash: Lufthansa have confirmed that several passengers were seriously injured when a sausage exploded inside the baggage of a passenger on a flight from Munich to London today. They commented that it really was the wurst case scenario.
I had a great start to my day. Woke up at 9am, had a wank in the shower, cut a branch from the tree in the garden and hit my wife on the head with it. I came, I sawed, I conked her.
What the missus doesn't seem to understand is, I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
My son has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD where all he does all day is organise dinner plates by the year they were made, It's an extremely rare dish-order
I said to my blonde girlfriend, "You're wearing your shoes on the wrong feet." "No I'm not," she replied. "They're definitely my feet."
my wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it. funnily enough, i have a similar system.
My computer froze on me today and I kept getting images of dancing New Zealand rugby players flashing on to the screen. I think I've been targeted by a Computer Haka.
A bunch of Germans had been on the beer and wanted to take a pee in the middle of London. They asked a policeman, "Where's the nearest place we can take a pee?" The policeman said, "You can go round the side of this building and pee on it as much as you want". Having peed themselves happy, one German said to the copper, "Is zis wot zey call English hospitality". The copper said, "Nah, that's what we call the French Embassy".
Jose Mourinho: "I'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies." Stephen Hawking: "I'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."
My wife phoned me and said "I'm so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits." "Of course it fits," I replied "You were 8.5 months pregnant when we were married."
I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone. One minute, a Kia. Next minute, Nokia.
Wife had sausage & chips with 3 pickled onions for her dinner last night. She fell ill later on during the night and shes now in hospital. Turned out the pickled onions were actually daffodil bulbs. The Doctor said she's ok and she should be due out in the spring.
