According to the Sun, Zayn Malik has vowed to ditch the fags... Gutted he's leaving cos he was my favourite member of One Direction.
I bumped into the tattooist who worked on Cheryl Cole's arse and asked him how much it cost. "I'm not telling you that," he said, before looking quickly around and whispering, "I had to take out a bank loan, but it was worth every penny."
a man phones work and says i cant come in to work today,im sick. how sick are you asks the boss. pretty damm sick, im in bed with my sister.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
Since having the roses tattooed on her bum, Cheryl Cole's become constipated. Her doctor suggested a prune.
My wife was going through my text messages today when she stopped and yelled. "Who the fuck is Sophie? And why is she telling you she'd love to suck your cock for the 5th time this week?" "Err... Wrong number," I replied. "That's a wrong number." "She also wrote your name, Hi Neil darling!" "I'm not denying it's for me," I said. "But the correct number is 6. 6th time this week."
After my accident, I came round to find a paramedic cutting my clothes off. I quickly explained that I didn't have any clean boxers that morning and being in a hurry, had slipped on a pair of my wife's knickers. "I understand," he said, snipping through my bra-straps.
Cheryl Cole's new tattoo isn't just a fashion statement. It also acts as camouflage when she's getting fucked in a hedge.
Just had an e-mail forwarded to me entitled, '50 things to do before you die'. Not one mention of 'Shout for help'.
If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.
My wife said that she takes everything I say straight to her heart. If only that was true, I would say "Sword" over and over again.
My new girlfriend has the nickname The Duke. She doesn't look overly masculine. But she has had 10,000 men.
The psychic told me I'm going to die a violent death whilst at the beach, but she couldn't tell me any more than that. So I've narrowed it down to either a shark attack, or answering the wife honestly when she asks, "Does this bathing suit make me look fat?"
The wife told me she'd do absolutely anything for a new wool sweater. "Anything?" I purred. "Anything." "Fucking knit one."
BREAKING NEWS: Badger Cull compromise found. Govt still keen on the method to be used but have agreed to let Emile Heskey do the shooting
