Have you ever been in the middle of a wank, the phone rings, you answer it & then you keep on going? That's how I lost my job at the call centre.
The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asked. Son-in-law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I willleave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later she comes back with a big smile. "You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation................ Mary didn't receive your e-mail!!"
I saw my friend this morning and he said, "I saw your wife the other day, she said you'd split up because of a breakdown of communication." I replied, "What do you mean we've split up?"
I went into the pub and asked if they did cash back. "Yes we do" replied the barmaid. "Good," I said. "Can I have the £40 I spent last night? The wife's going fucking mental."
GCSEs: Who needs them? I've been lying on my CV for years and no fucker has checked them. B in maths? I can't even count to B.
My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?" "Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."
My doctor is extremely thorough. He examined my arsehole, he grabbed my balls and asked me to cough, he drew back my foreskin and checked for STD's. Afterwards he said, "Well, Mr Smith, your suspicions were correct. You have indeed twisted your ankle".
In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
The Mexican Beatles tribute band "The Beetles" have split. Juan Lennon cited irreconcilable differences with Gringo Starr.
G4S are like a paedophile uncle you don't suspect. You think you're in safe hands but you end up being taken for a ride and shafted.
man goes to docs for a cock extension. doc sugests baby elephants trunk stitched on for three grand. man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. while chatting over dinner his penis flies out, steels a cake off the table and goes back. wow she says can you do that again. he says my cock can but i dont think my arse can handle another bun.
I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about Twerking. My mate from Yorkshire has been doing it for years. As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills
"I been married 4 times, I guess I choose the wrong men, all my husbands beat me...." "All 4 beat you? 1, 2, 3, 4 all beat you? Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now do they?"
My wife & I plan to recreate every position from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks. The excitement is building.
According to Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to." I didn't know British Gas employed so many damned wizards.
Wouldn't it be great if people had numbers above their heads representing the number of people they'd slept with? Boys could quickly work out how easy their date was, girls would know if their man was cheating, and I'd get a really cool halo.
