Last night the wife walked into the living room, dressed as a French maid, complete with feather duster. She walked up to me, yanked down my pants and gave me a ten minute blow job, even swallowing my love juices. I must admit though, it left me disappointed. I honestly thought she was about to tidy up.
My mate asked me a question: "I was at a party at the weekend and some guy called my wife a lying slut. What can I do about it?" "Not much really," I said, "Best just to avoid parties where anyone else might know her."
I was carrying on with the wife on the sofa last night when I laughed "Go on show me your cum face?" After she pulled a daft expression I said "That's nothing like your cum face" "How would you know?," she replied, "you've never seen it"
Thanks a lot, Miley Cyrus. Now my 8 year old is twerking around the house in a bikini. He should have been at football practice half an hour ago.
I saw a heavily pregnant woman with a young toddler and push chair struggling up some steps earlier. Rude bitch ignored my comment of "Good morning".
I went to the chemist today and said, "I've got a really bad headache. Can you make me something up?" He said, "Frank Sinatra was in here earlier."
When I was a kid, my parents told me the boogie man would get me if I were naughty. I was so glad when James Brown died.
I was sick of working in a fast food restaurant, with my life going nowhere. So I went to university to do a philosophy degree. Now I can ask people why they would like fries with that.
Q. What's the difference between Tampax & the One Direction Fan Club? A. The One Direction Fan Club is for arseholes.
"What's the first name of that Jamaican sprinter?" asked my blonde wife. "Somebody Bolt?" "Usain Bolt?" I answered. "Yes," she replied. "I'm saying Bolt."
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
