I'm an international spy and I travel the world carrying out missions for the British government, however, I always tell the people I meet that I work in a duvet factory. It's a cover story.
I'm not saying my wife is big. But when she lost her virginity, it wasn't so much deflowering as deforestation.
I learned 2 new things while gardening today: 1. Hedges don't scream and bleed when you use a hedgetrimmer. 2. Next door's cat is both deaf and stupid.
A blind man was rushed into A&E this morning. He almost bled to death whilst trying to read his cheese grater.
I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and the lady on the other end asked where i'm ringing from: I told her "from the waist down"
Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys. As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.
I was talking to someone the other day when I asked them their profession. I was shocked by the reply. "I get paid to suck cock and take it up the arse." "Oh so you're a pornstar? Or a prostitute?" "Neither, I'm Deputy Prime minister."
Our young nephew just asked my wife, "Which is your favourite Telly Tubby?" She said something about a Sony before clipping him round the ear for being cheeky.
An American holidaymaker visiting a church in Bolton saw a golden telephone with a sign that said 'Calls £10,000'. He asked the priest what it was for and was told, "It's a direct line to God." At Blackburn Cathedral he saw a similar golden phone and the same sign. At other churches throughout the county he found golden phones and the same sign. Then he stopped in Masham and went into a church and again saw a golden phone but this time the sign said, 'Calls 50p'. The American said to the vicar, "Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it's a direct line to heaven but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The vicar smiled and said, "You're in Yorkshire now, my son. It's a local call."
My wife suprised me with a blow job when I got home early from work. She was sucking off my mate Dave.
My wife came home from work and asked me what I'd done today. "Man things," was my reply. "What, like painting the skirting boards, fixing the shelves and clearing the weeds?" she asked. "No," I replied..."I've had three wanks."
Q. What is the difference between FIFA 14 & the mother in law being in hospital? A. I look forward to the release of FIFA 14.
Swimming the Thames is a lot like politics. You start at Oxford and if you swallow enough shit you end up at Westminster.
Steven Gerrard, Raheem Sterling and Glen Johnson have all been ruled out of the England squad for Friday's match against Moldova. The Liverpool trio are all said to be suffering from altitude sickness after spending more than 3 hours at the top of the Premier League.
