The wife caught me blow drying my knob & asked what I was doing. Apparently "Heating your dinner." was not the right answer.
Nothing wrong with viewing a film with a glass of wine. Although saying, "I'm watching Brokeback Mountain with a Semillon" can be misinterpreted.
What's the difference between Islam and the Catholic Church? The Catholic Church actually had the young virgins they were promised.
To impress the girls in the park earlier, I stuck a couple of socks in my boxers. It didn't quite work out as well as I'd hoped, they called the RSPCA.
In the Oxford St multi-storey carpark, when you get in the lift, it says "The doors are now closing". How pointless is that? If you're sighted you can see they are (they're only 4 feet away) and if you're blind, what are you doing unaccompanied in a multi-storey carpark? Planning on doing some driving?
The local vicar went round to the mother in law's collecting for the church roof. She threw Domestos over him & chased him off. She's just been done for bleach of the priest.
I was in a car with a police man, when I saw a member of One Direction cross the road that I was about to drive across. I desperately swerved out the way and managed to avoid him but I still heard a bang. I said, "What was that? I avoided him. " The police man said, "You missed so I opened the door."
It's often said that Britain has a 'special relationship' with the United States. Well, what other kind of relationship can you have with a fucking retard?
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register. In case any teachers have been put on it overnight.
As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale. But they'll be back in court today to try again.
Arsene Wenger has commented on German international Mesut Ozil, signing for Arsenal FC from Real Madrid. "He is an excellent acquisition for us and should help consolidate our usual 4th place."
Apparently American parents spend more on coffee than their kids Not surprising really when you think about it. Firstly they've got more money. And kids don't like coffee
I'm starting to wonder if Ireland have shown us that having two annoying pricks represent your country, you'll get more points in Eurovision. I'm currently writing to the BBC asking them to consider David Cameron and Nick Clegg next year.
'Vinnie Jones has attacked the number of immigrants in England' Shocking isn't it Vinnie? Imagine moving to a foreign country to live and work....?????
My mate said to me, "I think it's disgraceful that your girlfriend has had three children by three different men." "Hang on a minute," I laughed, "Isn't that just normal these days?" He said, "No mate, she had none when you met."
After a serious night out on his stag do I went round to see my mate Dave the next day. "Fuck me" he said "after all that curry and beer last night I feel like ive been battered for 12 rounds in the ring with George whats his name..." "George Forman you mean?" I asked "No not Forman, George Michael. My arseholes killing me."
"You only want my daughter for one thing!" yelled my girlfriend's mother. "That's your fault for not teaching her to cook," I said.
