She looks like a toaster, She walks like a toaster, She talks like a toaster, And I know why... She's a Breville in disguise.
Elton John thinks sorry seems to be the hardest word. He clearly hasn't been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
I'm sweaty and knackered after a massive chase with a thief. He stole my phone, then realised it was a Blackberry and wanted to give it back to me.
Wonga have unveiled a record £63m profit for 2012. All thanks to 82 year old Annie, who missed one payment on her £500 loan.
Rising demand for primary school places could soon see two pupils fighting for every place in some areas of the country. My money's on the black kids, they carry knives.
My daughter was screaming her head off in the pet store, making a scene of herself today. I told the clerk, "I need a pet for my daughter." He said, "How about a Rottweiler?" I said, "Aren't they violent?" "Very," he replied, "but it'll look like an accident."
Unbeknownst to my daughter, I was sat a few rows back from her on the bus and I was shocked to hear the language she was coming out with. I didn't even know she could speak Croatian.
Gareth Barry has revealed the chance to play under Roberto Martinez was a big factor in his decision to join Everton... Man city telling him "Fuck off, you useless cunt" was also a consideration.
A blond woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
Mesut Ozil said he joined Arsenal to win trophies. Good to see a German with a sense of humour..............
The London Underground announcement said "The next station is Oval." It looked the same shape as any other station to me.
Just read that 300,000 attempts to access porn, have been recorded in the Houses of Parliament, over the last year. I guess the government is more 'in touch' than we thought.
Apparently More than 300,000 attempts were made to access pornographic websites at the Houses of Parliament in the past year. A spokesperson has said "What else is Nick supposed to do all day"
Following his substitution from the SoccerAid game, Gordon Ramsey has revelead his latest idea for a new programme. Gordon Ramsey's Kicked Shin Nightmares.
300,000 attempted logins to porn sites from within parliament? No wonder David Cameron left his daughter at the pub, he can't even remember his password.
If more companies made condoms, we might see some interesting marketing phrases: Sainsbury Condoms - Making life taste better Tesco Condoms - Every little helps Nike Condoms - Just do it. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.. Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk? KFC Condoms - Finger Lickin’ good. Minstrels Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Safeway condoms - Lightening the load. Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough. Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Ever Ready condoms - Keep going and going. Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop Burger king condoms - Home of The Whopper Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain? Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long Renault condoms - Size really does matter! Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim!!! Heineken condoms - Reaches parts other condoms just can’t reach Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world Mars condoms - Pleasure you can't measure AA Condoms - For the 4th emergency service Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal Polo condoms - The one with the hole (VERY poor seller!!!) L'Oreal condoms - Because you’re worth it Mr Muscle condoms - Loves the jobs you hate Bounty Condoms – The taste of Paradise American Express condoms – Don’t leave home without it Typhoo condoms– You only get an “OO” with Typhoo Yorkie condoms – Not for girls… Radio Times condoms – If it’s on, it’s in! Electrolux condoms – Nothing sucks like an Electrolux Fisherman’s Friend condoms – Suck it and see
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You dont know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood an subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptuals. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You dont know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Sincerely Crock O. Schitt
