Peter Andre yesterday applied for a job in a coal yard. His CV listed his relevant work experience as 'humping slag for 4 years’.
I felt I had no choice but to dump my girlfriend, because she point-blank refused to share my obsession with tv quiz shows. It was a question of support.
I saw Worzel Gummidge crying the other day. I asked him what was wrong. "I hate my name," he whimpered. "I wish I could shorten it to something cooler." "Don't worry, I said. "It could be Worz."
Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' Personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is...
So after invading Iraq to find non-existent weapons of mass destruction, then Afghanistan to find a terrorist that was at home in Pakistan all along... we are now planning to invade Syria to stop them using the weapons we sold them... Sounds about right actually. I don't get what oil the fuss is about.
How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her that your wife wants the right to an abortion. Then tell her it's because your wife doesn't want a girl!
"How do you teach kids that have been blind since birth the concept of colours?" I asked. "Different techniques," the teacher replied. "For instance, for orange I'd give them an orange and let them feel the texture of the skin." "Interesting," I nodded , "What about black?" "Easy. I hold a knife to their throat and steal back the orange."
I always feel so much better about life after watching Jeremy Kyle...."At least I'm not as fucked up as those losers!". I think while fingering my arse and wanking into the kettle.
Q. What's the difference between Tesco & Morrisons? A. One knows it's shit, and the other one knows it's shit.
The wife said it looks like 6 people in wheelchairs have been killed at our local Tesco. She said she saw their chalk outlines in the car park...
Reviews of the new 'Diana' film are calling it a car crash of a film. Funny, I thought it was a film of a car crash....
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed...
No, not even remotely funny, since you mention it. Just revolting. The idea that simply saying something offensive and untrue about black people constitutes a joke is thoroughly disgusting. I'm not saying it should be censored, just that it's shaming. I usually make it a rule never to criticise tasteless unfunny "jokes" - but today I'll make an exception.
