Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria, Which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria...
Wonder what percentage of Americans & Daily Mail readers think Narnia is a feckless unemployed person, scrounging from their taxes?
Monsieur Hollande recently commented that there are too many foreigners in France. I went there last week & he's right, there were damned French people everywhere.
Whilst on holiday with my wife, after several samboukas and a lot of nagging, she finally agreed to take it up the bum. I was so relieved. There was no way I could have got 5 more pouches of Golden Virginia in my suitcase.
Two effete men broke into a distillery. One said to the other "Is this whisky?" The other said, "Yeth, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank!"
A piles-suffering Barnsley man asked his local Chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" The Chemist replied, "Aye lad, does tha want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
The local TV coverage of a prominent local hairdresser's funeral was very disappointing. They only showed the highlights.
After spending yet another night on the internet, looking at pictures of meat-free ready meals, I had to face it - I was addicted to online quorn.
View attachment 19636 As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
I've sent off my bank details to some guy in Nigeria who says I've won five million quid. I figure there's a better chance of that being genuine than there is that four hot women in my area want to meet me.
The girl I was talking to at the bar said, "Most men think I'm stupid because I'm blonde." I said, "I don't buy into the dumb blonde thing. Just look at Marilyn Monroe." She said, "Why, where is she?" Looking around the pub.
"I can't believe that you shagged my sister last night," screamed my girlfriend, "What the hell were you thinking?" I said, "Babe, you are so much sexier than your sister." "Oh really?" she asked. I said, "Yes, that's what I was thinking."
During her pregnancy the Duchess of Cambridge suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. It's very rare and is usually only found in JK Rowling books.
The wife whispered to me last night, "Say something that will get me wet." I replied, "Showering removes cellulite."
