My mate has 3 sons: The oldest is at university studying to be a doctor. The middle one is a fantastic young footballer and is an apprentice at a professional club. The youngest is fecking useless and as thick as pig shit. So he's expecting him to become Prime Minister...
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINKY. You know, Double Income No Kids Yet." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
As I was just about to have sex with the local slag last night she suddenly stopped me and said, "Wait, you're not wearing a condom!" "Yes I am," I replied. "No, you're not!" she said. "Take it off."
"You'll have to take that off," the boss said, pointing at my giant 'Birthday Boy' badge. "Oh, come on" I pleaded, "I promised my little girl I'd wear it all day!" "We're going to be late, so just take the fucker off," he insisted, "and help me load the coffin."
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?" I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
My girlfriend went to Hooters today and asked for a job application form. The manager threw her a bra and said, "Here, fill this out."
I've just played the Nigerian version of Cluedo. It turned out to be Abasiama Dideoluwakusidede, in the mud hut with somebody else's bank details.
My mate told me that the hair of the dog is a hangover cure. I've been licking mine for two hours now, and I've only succeeded in giving him a boner.
My wife just called me, "Someone's just dumped a two wheeled wooden carriage in the front garden; what should I do?" "Don't touch it," I advised. "It could be a trap."
I went up to the local slut in a bar and said, "You get around." She walked off and came back with two drinks.
My wife wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. I checked prices online & they are really expensive. So I bought 2 normal cats & glued their heads together.
The wife asked, "Can we go to Egypt for our holiday next year, and can we go on a camel?" I said, "Get lost, it would take fecking ages to get to Egypt on a camel."
So the media says GTA V will cause players to commit crime. Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.
Barack Obama has called the victims of Monday's mass shooting in Washington 'patriots'. I agree. You can't get much more American than being shot for nothing.
My new girlfriend is taking me out shopping tonight. She said I need new clothes as I look too middle aged. I'm gutted. I love my armour.
