A woman went into a green grocers and asked for a cucumber. The assistant replied, "Whole or sliced?" The woman replied, "I've got a fanny not a slot machine."
You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Tip for married men: If you return home to find your wife crying, don't ask: "Is it because of your new haircut?"
To this day, I have always thought back to the moment my Spanish wife left without saying goodbye. Not a deigo's bye.
I run a waxing salon which is really a front for an illegal bookie, burglary supplies and cocaine selling business. I do a special offer on back, sack and crack.
I've just watched the 2013 version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He just stayed at home and wanked himself stupid to internet porn.
"I was complimented on my driving today," said my blonde wife. "Who by?" I replied. "No idea, he was at the side of a road sticking his thumb up."
How to get a good reaction from someone: Next time you go on a roller coaster bring some spare bolts with you & tell the person in front of you, "Dude these came out of your seat!"
As I was sat there attempting to text on a piece of toilet roll, I suddenly thought to myself, "What have I just wiped my arse on?"
You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first. "That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned. My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist. "This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it." Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. "What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000." Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio." "I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."
An article in The New Scientist suggests that a small nuclear war could actually reverse the effects of global warming. To be honest that sounds a fuck of a lot easier than sorting all my rubbish into the right bins.
Criticism of U2 has been eclipsed by allegations that The Cult also concealed profits in a tax haven using the scheme Seychelles Sanctuary.
Nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
RADICAL boundary changes by the Conservative party will make it mathematically impossible for Labour to win an election, it has emerged. Conservative sources believe 84% of Northerners are ferrets. Under David Cameron’s proposed new constituency boundaries, Up North – which includes traditional Labour strongholds Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle – will elect a single MP. Meanwhile David Cameron’s home town of Chipping Norton would be split into 27 constituencies, three of them representing areas of Cameron’s house. Cameron said: “The needs of my bathroom are very different to those of my kitchen or spare room, and I am delighted our electoral system will now recognise those differences. “Northerners however all share the common life goals of having sex in car parks and acquiring fried meat in cardboard buckets, so there is less need for detailed administration in their foggy, marsh-like region.” The Prime Minister has promised that the 2015 election will be a more spectacular affair, with polling stations moving from primary schools to more impressive locations such as golf clubs and opera houses. He also plans to introduce a ‘two names two votes’ policy under which anyone with a double-barrelled surname may legally vote twice. The logistics of the election would also change, with responsibility for the ballot passing to private firm Optimum Democracy. An Optimum spokesman explained: “Voters can buy the Premium Ballot Paper, which will list all the candidates, or stick with the Free and Easy option, which will only show the party that won the previous election.” “The ballot will also be the greenest ever, with any unused votes being recycled and sold off to the highest bidder."
