My wife told me I should try to see things from a female's point of view. So I looked out of the kitchen window.....
I can't believe I've missed Eastenders again last night. That's the 1356th consecutive episode I've missed now
A Yorkshireman's wife passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone. The widower calls the mason, tells him what he wants, and then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and sees the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'. The old fella goes off on one. 'The f*cking 'e' is missing! Where's the f*cking 'e'? Tha's left the f*cking 'e' out lad!" The mason apologises profusely, and assures the old boy it'll be right on the day. Day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church, head out to the graveyard for the internment. There, in the glow of the pale winter sun is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed: 'Eee, She Were Thin'.
A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub. I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E." He said, "I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt!" So I stabbed his wife.
In 11 years at Everton manager David Moyes failed to get them above Manchester United in the league. This year he has managed it in just 6 games
My wife left me because of all the overtime I've been doing as a security guard at the airport. As she walked out, I said: "Did you pack your own bags"
After years of alcohol and drug abuse, I thought it was time to check myself into the hokey cokey clinic. Its a place where you turn yourself around.
I called my boss this morning to tell him I wasn't well enough to work today. I told him, "I have a bad headache, my stomach hurts & I keep feeling sick." He said, "When I feel like that I just have sex a couple of times with my wife, then I feel better & I go to work. You should try it." So I did & I'm on my way back to work. The boss has a very nice house.....
Bumped into an old friend who only has one arm. He said he was rushing to change a light bulb. "Won't that be rather tricky?" I asked. "Nah!" He said, "I still have the receipt."
I rushed to the hospital yesterday with a collapsed lung. The doctor said, "Where did you get that, and where is the rest of the body?"
The Prime Minister keeps trying to start his own war on drugs. Last night he was so off his head, he wanted to have a go at invading France...
The US Government has shut down. A lot of people are asking: "How will America get by without an effective Government?" Presumably they'll do the same as we have done for the last 3 years....??
