A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" ''Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's ...chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the arseholes out of eight others."
seemingly 1 in 10 of us live next to a pedophile, not me i live next to two stunning 15yr olds with massive tits.
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, "You're going out as that?" ''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
Got the wife a Pug yesterday as a surprise.... Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat and loose skin, the dog still seems to like her.......
The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day. Maybe I should change my ringtone.
I'd just finished shagging the fat bird I brought home that evening and lit my cigarette. "Did you know that every one you smoke takes 5 minutes off your life?" she quips. "Precisely love, I'm hoping to erase the last 5 minutes."
Jesus walks into a hotel, goes up to the reception desk, puts three large iron nails on the counter and asks: “Can you put me up for the night?"
How if Carlsberg did anything else, it would be the best in the world? Yet their beer tastes like shit.
I always greet every stranger I meet with a " Happy Birthday! " I get an awful lot of blank stares ; But it's worth it for the occasional " How the fuck did you know? "
i was given some financial good news today. the child iv been sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.
This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria. The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails.
