Took me ages to find the Halloween section in Asda Living. Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be some of their customers.
Real Madrid have said that Gareth Bale has a small chronic spinal protrusion but say the injury is not a slipped disc. It must have happened when he was carrying Spurs all of last season
Prime Minister David Cameron says he's shocked and upset that British Gas have put their prices up by 10%. Aye, it must cost a fortune when you have three fucking houses to heat.
My mate lost his job as a Street Sign Holder-Upper when they got a Pole to do the job for a fraction of the price.
I got bitten on the neck by a false black widow the other day in a bar. I then got punched in the face by her fully alive black husband.
Just to spite British Gas, if I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated.
Whenever I text my wife I always start the message "Hi Hun!" It's so much easier to spell than Attila.
As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris, the lights instantly go out, and he collapses to the floor with his head in his hands, sobbing. Then, in the pitch black, he hears a rich Jamaican baritone voice, which starts to sing; "Did you think I would leave you crying, when there's room in my bunk for two!"
A Yorkshireman and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers. The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshireman, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the Yorkshireman goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show thee some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshireman says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
Alex Ferguson states that David Beckham had to leave old Trafford because Beckham thought he was bigger than the club. Give it a couple of years under Moyes and the tea lady will be bigger than the club.
David Cameron launches the Tory Party 'keep warm this winter' energy initiative for elderly and vulnerable people. 3 Jumpers for £10 at your local British Home Stores.
The Psychiatrist seemed a liitle puzzled as to I had booked to see him. "You say the sight of the naked female form gives you an erection and a desire to masturbate? That sounds a reasonably normal reaction to me." He said. "Not if you're a Pathologist it's not." I replied.
Whoever it was that said you can tell a lot about a women by looking at the contents of her handbag, was absolutely right. I've just checked my Scouse girlfriend's and most of it belongs to me.
My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me. So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.
