Q. What's the difference between fish fingers and old women? A. Fish fingers will be warmer this winter.
The wife and I went to a Halloween party last night, but she didn't want to go in fancy dress. She squeezed herself into a tight purple designer bandage dress. She ended up winning first prize for her Barney the Dinosaur outfit....
A blind man with a beautiful woman stopped me in the street. "Excuse me, sir, are you Korean?" "No," I replied. "Why?" "Well, would you mind holding my dog for five minutes while I fuck this prostitute?"
Living in Liverpool Halloween is always a stressful time - However this year I have a plan! I have put up a sign on the door saying "Job Centre" that should keep the little scumbags away.
"Have I told you that you look lovely today?" I asked my wife over breakfast. "No," she said with a bashful smile. "There's a reason for that," I replied.
For my birthday my Wife surprised me by allowing me to have a threesome. With a cheeky grin she asked "Who are you gonna pick for the threesome?" She was really pissed off when my response was the two barmaids from the local pub.
For all my grammatically correct friends. On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' " When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle .
Just got the mother in law an interview as a stunt woman. Well she keeps driving me up the bloody wall....
This Halloween, local kids scared the shit out of the old couple living next door. Little buggers shoved a gas bill through their letter box.
Top Tips for Halloween: 1) Make Jimmy Savile mask 2) Put it in the window 3) Enjoy a quiet trick or treat free night.
As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit." "Last night was crazy." I replied. "What happened?" he asked. "Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome." "Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked. "No, she was out."
God works in mysterious ways. That's why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.
British Gas has saved my marriage. We can't even afford to have a heated argument since the price rise.
When a Woman pisses you off, stay calm and count to 10....but smack them in the face at about 7. They won't be expecting that.
I'm not saying my wife is looking old But when she gives me a blow job it's hard to see where her face starts and my ball bag ends.
An old jew was about to die and calls his son. The young man kneels beside the bed and the old man says, at great cost: Son ... This watch ... Was from your great-grandfather... and then ...it was from your grandfather, then was mine. Now ... It's your turn my son... You wanna buy it?
