I was trying to impress my date last night. I said, "I'll have to take you a spin in my Ferrari some day." She smiled, "How about now?" I said, "Sorry, it's in the shop." She asked, "Oh, what's wrong with it?" I replied, "Nothing, I just haven't bought it yet."
Being called Alan, my two mates Gav and Ian were laughing because my name is an anagram of "anal". If only I could think of some sort of come back.
Two bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to her for while he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother. The following week the daughter brings another boyfriend home but again her father tells her she can't marry him either because he is also her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get really annoyed. She goes to her mum and says: "Mum, what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in town and now I can't marry any of the guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!" Her mum replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he's not your dad!"
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler. So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
I went into a posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that." "OK," I replied as I left, "fix your own fecking heating then."
met a girl the other day who has a shell tattooed to her inner thigh. its amazing if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea.
I approached a stunning blonde in the club last night. "You look like you know how to handle a man with special needs," I said, with a wink. "I certainly do," she responded. "Great," I replied, "follow me to the gents toilets... My disabled brother Kevin will need help wiping his arse."
In bed my girlfriend asked me what I think about when we make love. "David Cameron." I replied. "Why the hell would you be thinking about him??" She shouted. "I have no idea." I said as I looked at her sweaty, chubby, freshly shaved cunt.
I invited a girl back to my place for the first time yesterday. Well somebody needed to wash the dishes
My mum left my dad because of his crazy obsession with trucks and 18 wheelers. The day she was leaving he said to her: "You're not taking my son. Lawrie is staying with me!"
I received a letter from my local council, telling me that, on collection day, wheelie bins must be positioned as close as possible to the path but not overlapping, otherwise I could be fined. I wrote back asking if, when emptied, my bins could be positioned nowhere near to where I left them, preferably either slap bang in the middle of my driveway or two doors down. And, give them their due, they followed my instructions to the letter.
Today at work we had a dress down day to raise money for the Philippines, we had to wear something that related to their country. I think I misunderstood that part as I turned up in a dress from Monsoon...
