I was on a 3rd date with a girl I quite liked, and we were talking about having a sexual relationship. I winked at her and said "when it comes to sex, I hope you're really flexible" and giggled. She smiled seductively and said, "well, I actually used to be a gymnast" "Sorry, I mean I'll want to fuck other women."
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Paddy: "Seven!" Teacher: "No, listen again carefully. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Paddy: "Seven!" Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?" Paddy: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Paddy: "Seven!" Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?" Paddy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"
I was talking to my mate down the pub last night about my new Thai wife. "So," he said with a grin, "how did you meet?" "Well, I didn't buy her if that's what you're thinking! What kind of man do you think I am?" I replied. "Sorry, mate, I didn't mean to offend you. So how did you really meet?" "I won her in a card game," I said.
Tesco Ice Creams recalled after traces of pain killers found in boxes of chocolate and nut. There's me thinking they introduced a new ice cream fat people could enjoy and yet not feel any mental pain for being a fat bastard.
I was out in Newcastle last night when I asked the woman behind the counter, "Please can I have 10 sex tokens?" "Certainly," she replied. "What kind would you like?" "Marlboro Lights please."
Prince Charles has officially reached retirement age. Now he can spend all his time whingeing about the youth of today, pissing about doing nothing of value, and living off a handout from the state. That'll be a nice change for him, won't it?
"Does my arse look big in these jeans?" asked my wife. Apparently, "Your arse looks big in everything." was not the answer she was looking for......
Tried that with Her Indoors, but I made the mistake of saying her arse looked big FROM Texas. The doc says I'll walk again in a few weeks.....:wink:
Q. Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? A. Because if you drag them around by the feet, they fill up with dirt.
More entries from the Uxbridge English Dictionary: Behemoth : Insect which eats holes in your jumpers, then fills them with honey Buccaneer : Fee American pirates pay for their piercings Celery : Bit like a cellar Gastric : Raising energy prices without telling anybody Inferno : Assume not Inflate : Her Majesty’s plane has taken orf Lambada : Young sheep with tin legs Mystical : Daughter of Mr Tickle Purgatory : To slip a laxative into Michael Gove’s coffee Smirk : Somerset for ‘It’s a Mercedes’ Trouble : Yorkshire building waste Twerk : What we do in Yorkshire between 9 and 5 Sluicegate : Somerset for ‘This gate belongs to Lou’ Symbolic : Prosthetic testicle Whiskey : Bit like a whisk
Miracles stopped happening after the invention of cameras. Luckily, after the invention of Photoshop, they've started to occur again.
I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked "Well not really, I only went back two days"
