I cremated my girlfriend's pet and made a plaque out of it to celebrate our anniversary. It was a cat ash trophy.
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased. Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious
As I snuggled up to this woman I met in the pub, I said, "We can have some alone time now. I've put your kids to sleep." "How did you do it so quickly?," She asked. "It wasn't too difficult," I replied, "I'm a vet."
The Government act swiftly. Three women freed from a couple's house today after 30 years captivity. The couple will be now charged bedroom tax from tomorrow....
Q. What's the difference between a woman & a toilet? A. A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it.
Psychologist have said that the three people that were held in captivity and forced to submit to the orders of a domineering overlord for 30 years were unable to escape because they were bound with "Invisible Handcuffs" Or marriage, as us men call it.......
I came home to find my neighbour had a large Christmas tree on top of his car. "Getting ready for the holidays a bit early this year, Dave?" I asked. He replied, "Nah- just teaching the wife to drive."
Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a 'fucking cock'. Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.
I went to see the doctor and asked if there was anything he could give me for my bulimia. He prescribed one pill and told me to take it 4 times a day.
tiger woods. wayne rooney ashley cole vernon key mark owen what have they got in common? wifes that need to make more of a fecking effort.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant......
I took a girl back to my place last night. As we got into the bedroom I said, "I'm going to shag you like no man has ever shagged you before." "Oh really?" she smiled. I said, "Yes, now put this chicken costume on."
My wife came home from work early and accused me of putting her dildo up my arse. I denied it, but she eventually got it out of me.
I call my Missus 'Dimbleby'. Whenever I get home late from the pub it's always bloody Question Time.....
My mate's wife is divorcing him for his use of four-letter words: Examples include, dust, wash, iron, cook.........
